All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
