I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
