I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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