when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
