Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
