Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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