I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
