Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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