you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The Olympian is in my bed
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
