my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We just shotgunned beers for America
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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