I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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