sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
