stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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