I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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