I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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