I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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