I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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