How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
