Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
