highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
