I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
