True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
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I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
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this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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