are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Randomize
