my phone needs a breathalizer
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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