I just pynch a tree in the face
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
