Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I need to align my fucking chakras
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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