he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
