I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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