I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
