My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
