It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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