Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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