It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
