Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
