Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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