this beer tastes like vomit already
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
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You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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