the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
