Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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