we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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