I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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