Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i love accidental penises.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize