woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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