I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
