If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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