all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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