make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
