Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
