why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
