I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
