I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
they need to just BURY HIM!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
