I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
