nut hugger
The maid of honor just puked.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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