Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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