id be glad to
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
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