I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
