I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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