but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
