I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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