mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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