Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
