I'm jealous of your bromance
my vag is so smooth its legendary
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
