Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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