So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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